Embracing Change: Navigating the Holidays Amid New Circumstances

Written by Twin Lakes Community’s Chaplain, Patrick Cardwell

At this time of the year, I remember fondly the days of Thanksgivings gone by, when my family and I would always take a walk together after the meal. There was a large grassy field behind our house, bordered by some woods. One year, we were treated to a special sight: a large, beautiful red-tailed hawk had taken his perch on a fallen tree branch, perhaps looking for his own Thanksgiving lunch scurrying among the grass. He let us get 20-25 feet away until we stopped to admire him from afar. That special walk led to a Thanksgiving tradition of a stroll through the field, wondering if we might see that hawk again. We never did, but we did find the satisfaction of a cool fall walk in the field with family. Now, however, the days of field walks after Thanksgiving lunch are over. Everyone is older, we meet at a different house, and that field now has a different owner who has put up private property signs. Each Thanksgiving, there’s a part of me that misses those days and the simple joy they brought. It is joy and longing side-by-side; such is the nature of change and loss.

Change happens for all of us, often in ways we cannot control, and that means sometimes holidays are hard days. When many others are making plans with family, taking trips, exchanging gifts, and generally reveling in the holly jolly jubilation, it simply is not that way for everyone. It’s ok to name that. In fact, it’s a good place to start. Acknowledging what’s really happening for you is the only way to address it and begin a search for something different. It’s also important to know that you aren’t alone, even if that’s how it feels. If you’re feeling lonely or anxious about the upcoming holiday season here are some practices you might take on to reclaim a sense of hope:

1. Ground yourself in gratitude: Gratitude is a powerful, grounding emotion. This isn’t false positivity or avoidance, but simply an acknowledgement of the day-to-day or moment-to-moment places of joy you can choose to recognize. For a practical way to try this, take a few strips of paper and write down moments of your day that inspire gratitude. The writing itself will bring to mind places, people, and aspects of your life for which you are grateful. Then, on days that feel particularly hard, pull out a few and reflect on them. It’s a 2-for-1 way to ground yourself in practicing gratitude.
2. Set realistic expectations: Give yourself permission to release the expectations of how things used to be. This holiday might not feel like the one(s) you’re used to because it simply isn’t the same. Whether it’s your first holiday or you’re many years removed from a loss, or you’re feeling more isolated this year than usual, setting expectations that are fair for your current emotional state can help. 
3. Accept help from others: Chances are, your friends and loved ones know that this is a difficult time for you. Ask for their help or accept their offers to go shopping, wrap presents, flip through photo albums, or any number of holiday traditions and gatherings. While some alone time can be helpful to process complex emotions, too much alone time is isolating and can be harmful. Engage your community – they want to help!
4. Establish a new tradition or ritual: Even as previous traditions have changed, been lost, or are no longer helpful, starting something new can help you reclaim a sense of control and empower you when you may feel powerless. Rituals and traditions are deeply tied to meaning. Finding a new sense of meaning can give the holidays a new kind of structure that you can lean on in search of hope.
5. Look for the both/and: Often emotions are not just singular. They are frequently tied to other feelings, thoughts, memories, and experiences. Look for the full picture of what is happening in your emotional landscape. Where is grief also accompanied by love? Where is sadness reflecting joy? Is there a glimmer of hope among the shadows of disappointment? Those places may be on the horizon, or on the edges of the picture, but they are still there. You are a full person with a range of emotions, so while the main ones may feel worse, they are not alone. And neither are you.  

However your holidays look and feel this year, it is my wish that you find strength in persistent hope, joy in discovering the closeness of community, and contentment in the love that is here. 

Chaplain Patrick